A Message From Male Survivors, To Male Survivors

Being a male survivor can be a difficult and isolating experience. Hear what four male survivors have to say to other men on their journey as they heal from sexual violence. The following answers are excerpts from our Male Survivors Panel.

Jeff Dion

First, I want to say that I’m a big believer in support groups and all sorts of different forms, just because it gives us an opportunity to interact with other survivors and maybe learn from their experience.

What are the things that help them? I might be in a support group with Steve and say, look, you know, Steve looks like he’s got his act together. How is Steve doing this? And I feel like my life is falling apart. And so Steve can model resilience and offer hope. And there’s a lot of ways to get that.

Through our program 1 in 6, we have five weekly anonymous online support groups for male survivors. It’s a great entry. If you’ve never told anyone, you can log into the support group and just listen anonymously or share and no one’s going to know. And that might be your first step to normalizing or coming to terms with the things you’re feeling.

Also on the 1 in 6 website is the Bristlecone Project, which is a series of portraits and videos of a diverse array of male survivors and that we hope model some resilience and offer hope to people. Antuan, you talked about encouraging people to find that one person in your life that you can tell and I think of what we teach children in our prevention education curriculum that every child should have a safety net of five trusted individuals, five trusted adults, that they can go to with anything. And why do we have five? Because if you go to one and they’re not listening, then there’s someone else that you can go to to talk to and so, never give up and find that one person that you can talk to. And if you don’t like their response, then go find someone else, because I guarantee someone is going to be willing to listen and help and let all these survivors know they’re not alone.

Yonah Kohn

I was conditioned into silence and I took a risk by speaking up. And, when I first felt hurt, it was almost intoxicating, and I couldn’t get enough of it. So, my words of encouragement  to other male survivors, just watching this webinar is step one. 

Telling a therapist could be step one. There’s no right or wrong way.  To taking that first step. I’m a big fan, big fan of support groups because support groups, I don’t always have to talk about it, but I can feel company. Right. And there are support groups that are for men. There are support groups for certain, you know, backgrounds.

So whatever makes you feel comfortable, that’s sort of yeah. And, and finally, it’s very cliche because I’ve heard it being said to me so many times, so I kind of feel funny even saying it.  The fact that you survived what you did makes anything you do have a certain amount of sprints that you may not realize,  and I want to acknowledge that it’s not easy, but it is so well worth it. And  There are hundreds, thousands, and millions of survivors and allies out there who will listen to you, who will support you, and most importantly, who will believe you. 

Steve Peacock

The first therapist I went to in my twenties, was part of an HMO. I went in and it was a very brief conversation because it ended when he said, if you’re not ready to talk, maybe you can come back when you are ready. So I had a number of occasions with unhelpful and destructive responses that could have shut me down for good. They did shut me down for a while, no doubt, but don’t give up. Keep talking to people. 

As the Prout’s said to their wonderful and courageous daughter, Chessy, when she disclosed: you are not alone. It’s not your fault. 

True healing is possible and don’t stop until you find that person or people who are going to say that. And one of the things I’m a big believer in, Alex [Prout] has had an unbelievable impact on my life. It was a peer conversation out of the I Have The Right To website.

So they are out there. Find a peer and get the help that you deserve. 

Tim Lennon

Something I want to say to the men and to all victims of sexual abuse is that our movement is winning. In other words, survivors are winning the fight against sexual violence in society. It is my belief that with the creations of hundreds of survivor organizations in the last 20 years that we’ve created a social movement akin to the women’s movement or the civil rights movement. 

And this is my soapbox. I have a website, StandupSpeakup.org, but the idea is based on that  they’re building a new movement, and we’ve seen a number of different kinds of coalitions circling around Keep Kids Safe, or the #MeTooMovement organization, so there’s different kinds of alliances and groups, so I think that we’re on the winning side.

We haven’t won, but to give us a positive note to end this.

Answers have been slightly modified for grammar and readability.

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1 in 6

The mission of 1in6 is to help men who have had unwanted or abusive sexual experiences live healthier, happier lives. Our mission also includes serving family members, friends, partners, and service providers by providing information and support resources on the web and in the community.

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MenHealing

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