What is Consent?

Consent is essential in all of our interactions, not just sexual activity. When it comes to sexual acts, the presence of consent is what differentiates sex from sexual assault. Before we become sexually active, we need to understand what consent is and what it looks like. Sexual acts without consent are not sex, they are sexual assault.  Not knowing what consent looks like is not an excuse for sexual assault, there is never any circumstance in which sexual assault would be okay.

At its core, consent can be broken down into these main principles:

Mutual

• Parties must agree mutually and freely without any use of deception. No one is withholding information that would cause the other person to not want to engage in sexual acts with them. 

Ongoing

• Consent is an ongoing process and can be taken back at any time. Throughout the sexual activity, consent is asked for and given, especially if the sexual act changes to a different sexual act

Verbal

• Consent must be communicated, consent is not implied through a look or through clothing. If the individual is unable to verbally consent, they must communicate their consent using their primary method of communication

Enthusiastic

• Free from hesitation, coercion, fear, and any other form of influence other than genuine interest in sexually engaging

Sober

• In order to give informed consent, one should be free from cognitive impairment from the use of alcohol and/or other drugs (read more about consent and substance use here)

Consent is more than “Yes Means Yes” and “No Means No.”

When is a “Yes” not consent?

Simply receiving a “Yes” doesn’t always mean you have consent. Someone may say “Yes” when they don’t mean “Yes” if they have been pressured, coerced, incapacitated, or don’t have all the information they need to make an informed decision. A “Yes” for one sexual act is not a “Yes” for all sexual acts.

For example, “Yes” doesn’t mean “Yes” if:

• The “Yes” was given by one person if the other person begged, badgered, or pressured them.
• The “Yes” was not the first response, and the initial response of “No” was not accepted by the other person.
• The “Yes” was given out of fear for physical safety, emotional safety, retaliation, relationship status, or the anticipation of any other consequences.
• The “Yes” was given by a minor to an adult.
• Substances were used to receive a “Yes.”
• Something was promised in exchange for a “Yes.”
• “Yes” was given for an initial act, but not subsequent acts.
• The “Yes” was given when someone was being dishonest about STI’s or the use of contraceptives/STI protection.

The absence of a “No” is not consent.

Not hearing the word “No” does not mean you have consent. Sometimes, someone may not say the word “No” when they don’t want to engage in sexual acts, as people can be put in situations where giving a “No” is not possible.

When might someone not say “No?”

• If someone is unable to verbally communicate.
• If someone gestures “No” or physically tries to avoid contact without verbally saying “No,” such as turning away.
• If someone is frozen in fear or shock.
  • The “freeze” response is a fear response that has been biologically hardwired into us that may activate when our body is doing what it can to help us survive a situation. Learn more about our fear responses here.
• If someone fears the consequences of saying “No.”
• If someone is not conscious or is intoxicated.
• If the sexual contact happens suddenly and without warning.
• If someone is being pressured, begged, or threatened.

What Else Doesn’t Count As Consent?

There are many common misconceptions about what counts as consent. 

Such as:

• If someone has been intimate with someone else before, that doesn’t mean they still have consent.
• If someone is in a relationship, that doesn’t mean they have consent in perpetuity.
• If someone is wearing an outfit that shows a lot of skin, that doesn’t mean they give consent.
• If someone is a sex worker, that doesn’t mean they give consent.
• If someone is sexually aroused, that doesn’t mean they give consent.
• If someone has been flirting, that doesn’t mean they give consent.
• If someone has accepted a favor, that doesn’t mean they give consent.
• If someone is hesitant to say “Yes” that doesn’t mean they give consent. 

How Can We Be Sure We Have Consent?

How can we be certain that someone’s “Yes” really means “Yes?”

Consider this consent checklist:

• Your partner is conscious and capable of saying “No.”
• You have directly asked for consent.
• Your partner responded “Yes” when you asked for consent.
• Your partner’s “Yes” was enthusiastic and without hesitation.
• “Yes” was the first response and you did not continue to ask if they initially said “No.”
• You have not offered anything in exchange for sexual acts.
• You asked for consent before switching to a different sexual act.

Learn more about consent at PAVE University