Verbal Abuse

Abuse is the act of causing harm or distress, in an attempt to exert control, especially for one’s own advantage or pleasure.Verbal abuse is when someone uses language and/or a communication style that causes harm or is perceived as harmful.

Verbal abuse doesn’t need to involve yelling or speaking in an aggressive tone, though it can. Verbal abuse can be said in a neutral, or even jovial tone. It also doesn’t only include spoken words, for example, verbal abuse can happen online or by using ASL.

Verbal abuse is incredibly harmful and can greatly impact someone’s sense of self worth. 41% of children experience some level of verbal abuse from parental figures.¹ 29% of women and 20% of men report that they have been subjected to expressive aggression by an intimate partner.²

Insults

Insults are when someone makes a negative remark with the intention of offending someone or upsetting them. These remarks may target things such as someone’s personality, actions, body, passions, skills, or/and beliefs. Often personal weaknesses or emotional vulnerabilities are used against the victim-survivor. Insults are a way to degrade a victim-survivor to believe that they are who the perpetrator says they are. The perpetrator may also intend to make the survivor change parts of who they are in order to stop the insults. Ultimately, the goal of the perpetrator is to position themselves above the victim-survivor in order to control them.

Insults may be stated in a joking manner or tone, but this is often done to avoid accountability for their abuse by stating that it was, “just a joke.” While playful teasing is a dynamic that exists in many relationships, the difference lies in what the insults are, how frequently they occur, and how individuals respond when someone tells them that the teasing actually hurt their feelings.

Name-calling

Name-calling is a type of insult in which someone calls someone else offensive names or assigns them negative labels. It is intended to make the victim-survivor question who they are and begin to identify with these negative labels. Overtime, these names chip away at the victim-survivor’s self esteem and can skew their perception of who they are and how they present themselves to the world.

Criticism & Judgement

Criticisms and judgements are the evaluations of someone or something else. Sometimes, criticisms can highlight areas for improvement with kindness and insight into solutions, which are known as constructive criticisms. However, when it comes to verbal abuse, the evaluations are negative and are intended to degrade someone. Criticisms and judgements can also take the form of questions, such as “Why are you so slow?” or “Did you think that looks good?” In an abusive relationship, criticisms and judgements are constant and make the victim-survivor feel as though nothing they do is ever good enough.

Some examples of insults include:

• making negative comments about the way someone executed something
• negatively comparing someone to someone else
• calling someone’s beliefs, values, or morals stupid
• mocking the way someone is dressed
• negative judgements disguised as compliments
• passive-aggressive comments
• implying that someone is unattractive
• calling someone overemotional or hypersensitive
• telling someone they are bad at something they care about
• labeling someone as worthless
• using a slur or offensive term
• assigning someone negative traits
• nitpicking how something was done

Manipulation

Manipulation is when someone uses unfair or dishonest tactics to control someone else in order to get what they want. When someone is being manipulated, they often feel like they are the issue in the relationship. Manipulative tactics can also pressure someone into doing something the perpetrator wants that they likely wouldn’t have done otherwise.

Manipulation can look like:

• blaming someone for something they are not responsible for
• using someone’s fears against them
• “If you really loved me, you would/wouldn’t ____”
• love bombing
• withholding affection to receive something in return
• intentionally using advanced terminology to get someone to agree to something they otherwise wouldn’t out of confusion
• exaggerating an illness in order to get someone to do things or take on more than they should

Gaslighting

Gaslighting is a term that has gained popularity in recent years, yet it is often misused or conflated with manipulation as a whole. It is a form of manipulation in which someone tries to cause someone else to question their sanity and experience of reality. Someone who is gaslighting denies someone else’s perceptions, reactions, and/or memories as a way to control them.

Gaslighting can look like:

• blatantly lying
• denying something happened when it did, even if there is proof
• insisting something happened when it didn’t
• misrepresenting how something happened
• twisting the meaning and/or intention of someone else’s words
• invalidating or questioning someone’s emotions
• minimizing behaviors by claiming they were “just jokes”
• projecting negative behaviors onto someone else
• shifting blame where it doesn’t belong
• actions not matching words
• calling someone “crazy”
• telling someone they’re imagining things

Threatening

Threats are a type of manipulation intended to scare, intimidate, or coerce someone into doing something in order to avoid a particular outcome. Oftentimes, threats are used in conjunction with other forms of abuse. 

Verbal threats sound like:

• ultimatums
• threatening to harm someone, their loved ones, their pets, or their property
• threatening to end the relationship
• threatening to report their immigration status
• threatening to remove someone from the home
• threatening to share secrets
• threatening to share private information

Yelling

Raising one’s voice or speaking in an aggressive manner can intensify whatever is being said. Communicating this way can incite fear in whoever the aggression is directed at. It can cause the person being abused to act in ways to stop the yelling. 

Non-verbal Cues

Non-verbal cues are ways to communicate without words, such as a facial expression. Aggressive gestures used in conjunction with harmful language, such as picking up weapons, amplify threats behind words. The perpetrator may use non-verbal cues to cause additional harm in a way that is more subtle.

Verbal Abuse is Abuse

The common phrase “sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me” pushes the harmful idea that physical abuse is worse than verbal abuse. It also implies that we have full control over how words can impact us, putting the responsibility on the survivor to not let verbal abuse get to them. These are common beliefs that people have surrounding different kinds of abuse, and they just create more shame in survivors, making it harder for them to seek support. In actuality, no form of abuse is “worse” or “better” than another, all forms of abuse are unacceptable and there is no benefit that comes from comparing and contrasting instances of abuse. If you or someone you know is experiencing verbal abuse, you are valid and you deserve support.

1. Two in five children (41%) experience harmful verbal abuse by adults around them, reveals groundbreaking new study. Words Matter. September 13, 2023
2. Leemis R.W., Friar N., Khatiwada S., Chen M.S., Kresnow M., Smith S.G., Caslin, S., & Basile, K.C. (2022). The National Intimate Partner and Sexual Violence Survey: 2016/2017 Report on Intimate Partner Violence. Atlanta, GA: National Center for Injury Prevention and Control, Centers for Disease Control and Prevention.