Sex and Peer Pressure Among Teens

Peer pressure is a feeling that one must do the same things as other people of one’s age and social group in order to be liked or respected by them. The influence of peers can be direct, such as being coerced into doing something, or indirect, such as hearing the way peers talk about a subject.

Social Pressure

The Social Comparison theory suggests that people value their self-worth based on how they compare to others, and may adjust their behavior accordingly. Teens who believe that their peers are engaging in a particular behavior are more likely to engage in that behavior as well,¹ and whether or not teens decide to have sex often relates to whether or not their friends are sexually active.² As a result, teens from different backgrounds and identities may experience peer pressure in relation to sex differently. 

During adolescence, some teens are peer pressured into having sex before they truly feel ready. Having sex is often portrayed as a milestone, one that many feel pressured to “achieve” during high school in order to seem cool or prove themselves in some way. On the other hand, teens in conservative or religious communities may feel peer pressured to abstain from any sexual activity, even if they feel ready. The only reason someone should have sex is because they and their partner are genuinely interested in having sex, free from influence, and feel ready.

Sexual Coercion

When someone is pressured by someone else to have sex with them, that is sexual coercion. Sexual coercion is the act of using pressure, threats, force, alcohol and/or drugs to engage in sexual activity with someone. Someone may feel pressured to have sex with someone they are dating because they may threaten or imply that the relationship will end if they don’t. Their partner may tell them that by being in a relationship, they owe them sex. They may also compare their sexual activity to that of a friend or another couple in order to convince their partner that everyone else is doing it. Or, they may imply that not having sex means that they don’t love them or don’t find them attractive. Even if their partner isn’t direct, withholding affection, shaming, or name-calling them in response to not having sex can also coerce someone into having sex when they don’t really want to.

No matter what age someone is, sexual coercion is sexual assault. If someone believes that saying “no” will have negative life consequences, their “yes” is not mutual nor enthusiastic, two crucial pillars of consent. 

The Concept of Virginity

Virginity is referred to as the state of being in which an individual has never had sex. Different cultures have different views on virginity, its value, and what they believe it says about a person. In some communities, sex may be viewed as a defining characteristic to who you are and defines whether or not you have had sex as part of your developmental trajectory. The common phrases “losing your virginity” and “swiping your v-card” imply that ones virginity status is a defining characteristic of who they are. In reality, whether or not someone is “a virgin” does not determine their worth or reflect who they are as an individual. However, this doesn’t change the impact the concept of virginity has on the decisions adolescents, teens, and young adults make.

Pressure to No Longer Be a “Virgin”

For some adolescents and teens, their status as to whether or not they are “a virgin” determines how cool they are and is part of social acceptance within their group of peers. This is especially true for adolescent and teen boys, who are encouraged to have sex. Boys are often sent messaging that having sex is a “conquest” and defines their masculinity. In contrast, for girls the messages are centered around shame. When they have sex there is a stigma of shame and they can be given derogatory labels in relation to their sexual activity. However, girls are also labeled as “a prude” if they decide they don’t want to have sex, which is also used to shame and devalue them.³

When adolescents and teens are shamed for not having had sex, or see how their peers negatively respond to learning whether or not someone else is “a virgin,” they feel pressure to have sex in order to change that negative label. Even if they are not directly told they should be having sex, many adolescents and teens can feel as though having sex in a relationship is what they’re “supposed” to do. 

Someone who has sex as a result of peer pressure may struggle with emotionally processing the event, as they may not have been ready to have sex. Young people may not have acquired adequate relationship skills, such as healthy communication and respect, that are important to implement in any intimate encounter. They also may not have the proper education on consent. Due to the pressure they feel to “get it over with,” they may not respect the autonomy of the person they’re pursuing, which can result in a sexual assault.

Pressure to Stay a “Virgin”

On the other hand, some peer groups of young people, particularly those in religious communities, have a different perception of virginity. For some, the concept of virginity is inherently tied to purity culture, a concept seen in different religions and cultures that can sometimes be used to shame others. 

Women and girls are taught that no longer being a virgin signifies a significant loss of worth. Throughout time, “losing one’s virginity” has been described using imagery of damage, destruction, and worthlessness. The sentiment is particularly strong in communities that condemn sex before marriage. In these communities, women who have had sex before marriage are labeled as “used” and therefore not worth marrying. Boys are often taught that they are inherently lustful and their sexuality needs to be tamed. However, if they are incapable of controlling those desires, the blame falls on the woman for “enticing” them.

In these groups, young people who are no longer virgins are seen as dirty, immoral, and lacking self-respect. They may be socially ostracized or even have their devotion to their faith questioned. This can cause young people to not be honest about their sexual history or struggle with self-esteem. The pressure they feel from their peers, community, and family can also cause them to repress their sexuality and abstain from sex.

Virginity Doesn’t Determine Worth

Both notions about virginity are inaccurate and harmful. They give sex the power to determine our worth as human beings, which is not true. Whether or not someone has had sex does not determine if they deserve love, care, kindness, and respect. Virginity is a cultural construct that continues to evolve and change throughout time. Virginity as a self-defined concept is perfectly okay, but the social norms surrounding virginity can be extremely harmful. 

Consent is Key

It can be hard to determine whether or not one is ready to have sex, but understanding what constitutes as a consenting sexual encounter versus sexual assault is vital. Deciding whether or not to be sexually active is a big decision, not because one’s status as a virgin is a defining characteristic, but because having sex is a personal decision where one needs to understand the implications and emotions involved in consenting to sex. 

Sources

1.  Widman, L., Choukas-Bradley, S., Helms, S. W., & Prinstein, M. J. (2016). Adolescent Susceptibility to Peer Influence in Sexual Situations. The Journal of adolescent health : official publication of the Society for Adolescent Medicine, 58(3), 323–329. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.jadohealth.2015.10.253
2. Brechwald, W. A., & Prinstein, M. J. (2011). Beyond Homophily: A Decade of Advances in Understanding Peer Influence Processes. Journal of research on adolescence : the official journal of the Society for Research on Adolescence, 21(1), 166–179. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1532-7795.2010.00721.x
3. Tolman DL. It’s bad for us too: How the sexualization of girls impacts the sexuality of boys, men, and women. In: Zurbriggen EL, Roberts T, editors. The sexualization of girls and girlhood: Causes, consequences, and resistance. New York, NY: Oxford University Press; 2013. pp. 84–106.